When I pray in earnest, I sometimes get to the point where my emotions run dry and my head thinks, "Wait... why are we here? Why are we in this room, talking to Someone we can't see, crying out for people we don't know? This probably looks ridiculous. Lots of people don't believe this is real." Then frustration threatens to come--frustration at not having enough praying stamina, at having doubts in the power of prayer and God's love, at being frustrated. At knowing that in just a matter of days I will have forgotten everything about tonight. Then, in one last desperate attempt to be heard, my heart cries out, "GOD!! You see?! I NEED YOU!!!!"
Being frustrated isn't a new thing. Growing up, I'd see some sweets and want to eat them. But then a voice (or influence) says, "Don't eat that. It isn't healthy. You'll be sinning if you eat it." I'd get so frustrated and angry not knowing whether it was guilt or conviction, from the devil or from God.
So here I am, trying to figure out how things work together:
Honoring God without being legalistic, without being crazy wild irresponsible
Honoring God in freedom, with a calling
Honoring God with my body, not trying to save my life
Honoring God by being still, by moving and doing
And now I hear His answer, from Sunday school, from wise elders, from my heart (His home): "Be patient, loved one. Listen. You will know My voice."
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