Yesterday I was pondering, and I thought about how different life feels from before April 8th of last year. (Actually, let's just make it a full year ago. Mom was already in the hospital by then, anyway.) It is still so weird to me that I can't call her, go home and sit with her while she sews, eat her amazing bread and other foods, listen to her practice piano for Church, or sit with her on the patio drinking instant orange cappuccinos. Her number is still the first one in my speed dial, I still have texts from her phone, and I can still hear her voice in my memory as clearly as if I talked with her five minutes ago.
Then my pondering took a new turn: how will I handle it when another dearly loved one is no longer around? Life will completely change again. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to prepare myself for something that might be soon, might be years and years down the road. And not knowing what to expect or how to prepare myself properly scares me--I have no control!
If there's one thing I learned from this past year, it's that our expectations are not always met. This isn't necessarily a huge thing, but it can be. It could be as small as expecting dark cherry ice cream, then finding out the shop is out of it, or it can be as huge as expecting someone to be there for you forever, then finding out that they won't be. Anticipation can be a great thing (like smelling a feast before you can eat it), but sometimes it makes the let down that much further.
So I guess this is my conclusion: God knows. God knows, and He gives us what we need when we need it. So grounded on this, I realize I don't need to use my strength to expect or anticipate anything. This whole past year I've been waiting on the Lord. And you know what? He comes through. Every time. Every time.
"I waited patiently for the LORD;
He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the LORD."
Psalm 40:1-3
"He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces,
and the reproach of His people He will take away from all the earth,
for the LORD has spoken.
It will be said on that day,
'Behold, this is our God; we have waited for Him, that He might save us.
This is the LORD; we have waited for Him;
Let us be glad and rejoice in His salvation.'"
Isaiah 25:8-9
May God's will be done.
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